That four letter word.....

 

There are a lot of four letter words out there - the one that has been getting me is food. Yep. F-O-O-D. I love to hate it and it loves to hate me. I am working on retraining my brain so that FOOD is not negative, it's not a four letter word, it's not scary. Food keeps me alive. Food enables me to do what I like love. Lift heavy shit and be a good mom (hangry is not a good look for me). 

For a long time I have been trying to loose weight and have not been actually targeting the real problem. I have food issues. My big mistake was thinking that these issues are recent. They are not. They don't even just go back to the "post-college no more sports" days. This goes all the way back to when I was a kid. 

Growing up we did not really eat family meals. My mom was a vegetarian and was not into cooking much. We had a lot of pasta, hamburger helper, cereal for breakfast (enter my love of Fruity Pebbles), and a little meat. I can't lie - having a vegetarian cook your meat is not ideal. I do not remember it ever tasting good. Sorry mom. I'm sure I am not alone in this kind of meal plan - never thought twice about it because I never had a weight problem. I was super active. That my mom made sure of. Always in a dance class, at sports practice, or outside. Period. Always moving. 

Licking my chops....must have been food near by

I did grow up with a lot of "no-no's". We didn't have candy, soda, chips, cookies in the house. There was almost no eating out. Diet soda was for SPECIAL occasions. What this did to me was create a junk food hoarder. Not sure why, but it did. I can remember being at friends houses - a snack for them was a few Cheetos or a Clearly Canadian (man, I LOVED those) and a full bag of Cheetos and a few Clearly Canadians for me. If it was in front of me I ate as much as I could. No off switch. It was like I was scared I would never see it again. I even stole junk food from friends houses. Sad. I know. I would steal Pringle tubes. Yep. Tubes.  I would actually think "who's house has the best snacks?" and that's where I would walk. Ugh - so embarrassing......

my jam

Discontinued - thank god....but my fave

Cue High School. We were on our own for food (that's honestly how I remember it). Why? There were 3 kids and my mom. Three totally different schedules. My brother and I were at some sports practice year round. My sister did Cheerleading and Drama. My favorite dinner was tortellini, rice, ice cream, anything another family was eating, and Prairie Fire Bean Dip from Don Pueblos with my girl friends. I was 5'4 and 115 pounds. Not what you would expect from that healthy diet, huh? 

drool

Cue College. Dining Hall. I had SO many choices. I stuck to the salad bar and pasta bar. I was too scared to eat the meat. I was basically a vegetarian. My roommate finally convinced me to try the Veal Parmesan. Hooked. No longer hanging at the pasta bar I began eating meat. I typically practiced 2-3 hours a day 6 days a week for 4 years. Not much down time. I stayed about the same weight - got up to about 125 by my Senior year. I felt healthy and good. 

No gainzzz here

Freshman Year of College (on left)

Cue Grad School. No more practice. No more dinning hall. No changing my eating habits. No time (or so I thought) to workout. Honestly, I had never worked out alone. I always had a coach. I didn't even know what to do without a plan. I gained weight. A lot. In the worst way possible. I gained weight but didn't realize  I gained weight.....until my husband (then boyfriend) brought me to Weight Watchers. 181. pounds. What. The. Fuck. He knew I was depressed because I was fat. I did not. Had no clue until I stepped on that scale. 

Can you feel the happiness?? Circa 2008

Fast forward. I have tried every "diet" out there. Honestly, what works is lifting weights - heavy ass weights - and eating clean. Meat. Green veggies. Lots of water. Alcohol makes an appearance here and there (love my Champagne), but not like I used to. Now I am adding to that the idea that nothing is off limits. If I want one doughnut I will have one doughnut. Why? One doughnut didn't make me fat. It's all about portions. It's all about flexibility. It's all about mindset. If I make things off limits again I am transported back to that junk food hoarder. I will sneak food. I've done it. As an adult. Ugh.......the shame.

Do you see that? Those are Fruity Pebbles on that Donut!

I want a healthy relationship with food. I want to be strong. I want to set a good example for my kids. I want to be able to hike, run, live, play, laugh.....enjoy life. Life is more than food. More that what the scale says. Do what you love. Be Happy.

Lift heavy shit